A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’ 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She’s gone..
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He’s gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing..
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up..
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree..
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
TINI is the just-opened storefront for This Is Not Ikea, a formerly online-only business specializing in re-selling the best/coolest/most obscure stuff from hundreds of SoCal yard, garage, and estate sales at economical prices, all by a Honduran/Mexican expat musician inspired to start the business when his father cut his cashflow off, crippling his copyright infringement defense against a certain Swedish furniture manufacturer. The store’s arranged floor-to-ceiling, with much of the gear in like-minded literal piles ranging from mid-century retro furniture (a modular, ’60s-era white chair with a circular tulip base, yellow vinyl two-cushion couches, etc) to a crazy range of art/framed prints (Elvis, a print of a kid eating a sandwich above the words “You Don’t Have to Be Jewish to Love Levy’s”) even 23 different styles of pillows and bedding, because nothing says “good night’s sleep” like shaky knowledge of a previous owner’s bedroom habits. There’s also a slew of other choice kitsch, including an orange steel flask, a mint-condition plastic Michael Jackson record player, and an unused 12-pack of condoms with a come-hither 80’s-era picture of Madonna’s face on the box, who knew the Material Girl would be lambskin?
Of course, they’ve got a wide range of other stuff (ashtrays, ceiling lights, magazine racks, etc) and are constantly getting new pieces, plus almost everything in-store is also available on-line.
The internet has been buzzing with talk about this banned German Sprite Add and links are being pulled as fast as people can put them up.
UPDATE: ‘Sprite Oral Sex Ad’ Was Unauthorized http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/20/sprite-blow-job-ad-banned_n_240851.html The director of the fake Sprite ad, Max Issacson, has sent out the following statement regarding the making of the video. My name is Max Isaacson, I directed and produced the fake Sprite ads that have been making the rounds over the past five days. There have been quite a lot of false statements made regarding these and I would like to make a few things very clear about these spots. First, there was no involvement from either The Coca-Cola Company or Greencard Pictures. Second, this was not supposed to be taken seriously by anybody. They were made completely on spec, which was clearly stated on the YouTube pages on which the ads were primarily seen. I paid for, produced and directed both spots independently. I am frankly quite surprised that spots of this nature were so quickly and easily believed to be legitimate. I hope that all parties involved will understand that this was a simple mistake that went much too far too fast, and that it is now made clear that these were not real commercials, nor were they ever produced with intention of being taken as such. UPDATE: The New York Press reports that a New York City-based director was responsible for the now-infamous Sprite ad, and that the spot was produced without Sprite’s permission. The ad is the work of Max Issacson, and was not produced in Germany, according to the NY Press. The NY Press spoke to John Jones IV, the male model pictured in the video: “The funny thing is, it’s a spec commercial—it’s not even real,” Jones said. Current TV initially reported that the ad had been banned from the air, for pretty obvious reasons. It combines oral sex and the desire for a refreshing Sprite to create a big finish that has to be seen to be believed. It even beats the climax of this similarly-themed ad.
Let me ask you about Hallelujah, because it’s been an interesting year for Hallelujah - it took on a new energy. A song that you wrote in 1984, and it appeared at No 1 and No 2 on the UK charts, and your version was also in the top 40. What did you make of that?
Leonard Cohen’s ANSWER:
I was happy that the song was being used, of course. There were certain ironic and amusing sidebars, because the record that it came from which was called Various Positions - [a] record Sony wouldn’t put out. They didn’t think it was good enough. It had songs like Dancing to the End of Love, Hallelujah, If It Be Your Will. So there was a mild sense of revenge that arose in my heart. But I was just reading a review of a movie called Watchmen that uses it, and the reviewer said “Can we please have a moratorium on Hallelujah in movies and television shows?” And I kind of feel the same way. I think it’s a good song, but I think too many people sing it.
Sibling band Kitty, Daisy & Lewis play 40’s/50’s rockabilly and swing, country and western, Hawaiian and rock ‘n’ roll with a skill and energy that connects them to the past and ensures they’ll be around in the future. Between them, the trio play guitar, piano, banjo, lapsteel guitar, harmonica, double bass, ukulele, trombone and accordion, swapping instruments between songs at their super-energetic live shows. The live shows started out as just Kitty, Daisy and Lewis performing with various guitar players providing a rhythm. After a while, they felt it worked best playing with their dad (Graeme) on acoustic guitar and their mum (Ingrid) on double bass.
‘We play old music but we’re playing it now,’ says Lewis. For them, it’s heroes like Louis Jordan, Louis Prima, Johnny Cash, Wynonie ‘Mr Blues’ Harris and Roy Brown who are on iPod rotation. (Baby) Hold Me Tight
Kitty Daisy & Lewis on Natalie Cassidy’s Real Britain Documentary. Broadcast on BBC Three in April 2009.
Kitty, Daisy & Lewis will make their US debut this summer with their international critically acclaimed self-titled debut, set for release on August 11th via DH Records/Mercer Street Records. The teen siblings will join Coldplay for a 6-week North American tour that includes impressive venues such as Washington State’s Gorge Amphitheatre and a slot at this year’s All Points West Festival in New York, NY.